November 18

Alumni meeting; x-co gathering; CH's surprise party; inter-outlet MJ supper.

x-co gathering

the annual Hari Raya gatherin at Zif's house. But this time is all the more significant because the MIA-for-damn-long SUZI is finally back!!! after all that flyin, then studying in Australia, we finally got to see her. and gosh she looks ravishing. and of cos, wats a gatherin without Zif's mum's terrific cookin.

the fried chicken is LOUD when u bite.

Chao, Wei, Suzi

Suzi and Ris

same pose, again

and again

CH's surprise Bday party
was such a mad rush between these 2 gatherings. too bad i cant be there to see the look on his face, but Justin told me he was pleasantly surprised, and calmed my nerves with "everything went smoothly". but it was not the case when i arrive, at least not for me. prior to it, there's the case of the missing cake. Liu had a last min appt and wld be late. he booked the cake at Tampines and needed someone to collect, so he called semi-unwilling George. and the cakeshop actually cldnt find our cake with words on it, so we had to take a last min one off the shelves. it's freakin Bengawan Solo mind u. such bad service, yet no discounts for the cake. tt's scare 1.

scare 2 was when ppl started tellin me at 6 that they will be late. so while having dinner at Zif's i wondered if everything went smoothly. thankfully the surprise pulled through.

when i arrive i had to do the badguy job of collecting money. because i do not have the face of a loanshark, it was a problem. and the amount didnt help either. we sorta overspend and so each 1 had to pay $14.50. most were willing, instead for a few who were unappreciative, not understanding, and downright aggressive. one complained so much i felt like i was being attacked. i almost cldnt take it, really. like 3 person bombing me. i was that close to making things ugly. they blame me for comin late. fuck like i am damn free lar. i noe u say u're not free also. yes u have movies to catch and girls to woo. whatever. and i DID NOT try to delay cake cutting at all. it jus happened! so why blame me for everything huh? why not blame ya unappreciative and complaining ass for not takin initiative to do anything at all? why not be proactive? at the end i dun give a rats ass wat u few tink at all lar. i dun even wana speak to u anymore. after that night, i told Seng tt i dun really care if those few are unhappy, as long as he's ok (cos it's not worth riskin our frenship for it). i can care less wat those others think. i cant stand complaining ppl who r not constructive. and unappreciative asses.

oh a brighter side, here's the bday boy.

Ch + Seng ch, me, Justin.
ch + the specs: me Seng Lai

Justin, if u're reading this, tanks again and sorri for the poor money management. =)

Inter-Outlet MJ supper

i met up with them again! i dunno how many more times we can meetup like this, cos the Mosquito aka Bung is quitting. sigh.. parting is such sweet sorrow. she's goin Wisma to sell surfergirl clothes tt's so her! over us!?! sigh. but at least i had fun yesterday, as usual.

me and the yaonieact cute with the ash-fingers
nice pic man.

act cute again
candid shots while tryin to pull some guises.

"Jeff" + "Chen Wei Lian"

i tink this pic is downright funny. makes me laugh everytime. the epitome of the Ash syndrome.
tryin to look cool with Yaonie's snowcap.

the camera shy Jiahui(so hard to get a shot of her face!!!), Mosquito, Ash
singing ktv again!!!
PSP + singing

we sang to the dawn, literally. sang till 4am before we went home. hadnt stay out late since our last ktv session...ahahah. but it was fun. being with them is as carefree as it can get. the perfect getaway i needed for awhile.

Ewa is missing/ having a craving for auntie Jenny's Sweet Secrets scones.
We celebrated Aunt Jen's bday today, but i didnt take any pics cos i forgot to buy batteries for my cam.
MR 06 is closing in and i feels crushed by a lot of work.
i wonder if it'd turn out great. but i SO want it to.
will be having x-co gatherin tml, finally all 8 present. den ch's bday dinner. den mj supper. jam packed man.
like how exciting rite.
Clara's enthusiasm is rubbin off me perhaps. haha.
but i'm dun feel so excited at all.
i'm feeling more and more nonchalent towards the things i cant change. more so for those i cant even see or touch. and i cant even feel. pangs of ...tidal...numbness.
where's my idealism?
i miss this song.

Artist:Sheryl Crow
Album:Tuesday Night Music Club
Title:I Shall Believe

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright

And I shall believe

I'm broken in two

And I know you're on to me

That I only come home

When I'm so all alone

But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

Open the door
show me your face tonight

I know it's true

No one heals me like you

And you hold the key

Never again would I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

But your love is alright

And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly

You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe

And I shall believe

like whoopee cos my exams are over!!! i am freeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ya like for a while lar.


i am so watchin tv. period. and movies. period. Daniel Crag in 007 man. period. read EW + books. period. watch all the movies in my shop. PERIOD!!!

but first i gotta burn 50 cd-R.

like how exciting rite.

Ewa is zonked.
he tinks the world is a cruel place and reality sux.
he ponders over the sense of things.
he is unsure if anything is makin him a better person at all.
he is sliding, still.
he will be free-er next week, from the shackles and concentrate fully on MR06.
he has not watched tv in a long while. 2 weeks worth of tape lyin in front of the video.
he jus wana sit down n marathon all the tapes + dvds after the exams.
he's got so many birthdays comin up!
he will be damn busy on 18th. ever. xco gatherin, alumni meeting, ch dinner, mj supper. jus rushhhiingggg.
he is listening to Damien Rice now and brought the album on impulse cos his hand itchy.
he is unsure whether to have a "vote for pedro" badge, or one of ND's face. mayb he sld jus get an afro.
he finds appreciating paintings the best thing he's studied all day.
he spend 3 hours finishing a chicken murtaba at his latest hangout: the jp library.
he is thinking of interesting things to say, but can only tink of JOA quotes.
He so wana watch The Hours now. tinkin of Nicole quotes. " you cannot find peace by avoiding life." "you have given me the greatest possible happiness....i can't go on spoiling your life anymore"
he fears wat the future entails.
he he he he he he he he he.... bla bla bla. Ewa is just blabbering again.
off to the books again.whoopeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

i feel like Meryl Streep in The Hours, organising a party.

so fed up workin with shitheads. idiots who dun deliver as promised. i wish i can jus smash their heads.

too violent.

but heck. i've learnt to make peace.

slackin buddy!

sorri i cant studee wit chu. i dun wan dinner la. movie cheaper. hee.
and i tink Wentworth Miller only has 1 look in Prison Break leh. ok 2, one when he cries. but the show's got good premise, thou i've read reviews tt season 2 actually became more of a slump.
but anyways Wentworth Miller has a degree in Lit. cool shit riteee!
also, i tink his guest appearance in Joan Of Arcadia is more exciting than his role in Prison Break la. (he's evil in JOA). sundays, 5pm. no tatoo, but great role for him!

love,
ya slackin buddy.

my dad is watching Romeo Must Die for the upteenth time.





last week it was a Recycle challenge.

this week they're designing a dress for the everyday woman - a mom! and what's better than designing something for ya fellow contestant's mum and have them walk down the runway?!?!

ingenious.

mums on the runway bring fashion to a whole new level. buckets of heartwamers.

Project Runway 3 is by far the best show on tv right now.

"Dear Yi Hua

sorry that I could not keep to my promise of sending the seating arrangement yesterday as I had to attend a seminar at 1.15pm (had lesson from 11 to 12.30pm) and it only ended at 6pm. It was only when I got home at 7.30 ( I live in Changi and there is a jam almost every other day at PIE) I realised that I forgot to bring my thumbdrive back. I am attaching the seating arrangment together with this mail. I have not done the checking as this info was keyed in by a student. I have the mastercopy. I will do the checking tomorrow and if there are any discrepancies, I will email you. Please reserve 2 - 3 tables for 4NT. The chairman did not answer my call yesterday. Will try again tomorrow. Thanks for your patience and understanding!
xxx"

i jus find this funny la. in the dark humour kinda way. pass me a hammer pls.

irony

just when i've finally decided to be happy for the day, i had to charge a customer $80 less and pay it out of my own pocket.

and i did a good deed today! someone's bag got stolen next door and that stupid thief happily dropped the loot in our shop after takin the handphone and money. i called Fuhua Sec to inform the sch, to inform the girl. if not the girl will have no pencil case n time table for her O level paper tml!

what happened to good karma man?!?!?!?!

like how sad can................................................................................

187

187. away from css and into CP. along the seemingly endless expressway, alone on the bus, i felt myself slipping away. i was ... lost.

i tried scrolling down the names on my hp, looking for a decent piece of solace. i could not find any. i had no intention of speaking at work today. it jus seemed very exhausting. but seeming my colleagues, i had to say smthin. goin to the bank was a hideaway. so was meal time and toilet breaks. i begin to wonder if i'm indeed one who puts a front at ppl. or am i jus in need of company of friends.

Mrs T went back on her words and havent send me anything. i'm stuck.

dude, u're been thru worse than this! this sld be a breeze!

yar. i agree. but the pitfall is gaping. it is indeed harder to be happier.



trailer for FUR:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEQlt3Q3AGc&mode=related&search=

my plans to be a full-time mugger todays were twarted. i woke up at 11am instead of the planned 7am. studying at JP library wasnt as fruitful as i had wanted. all the tables, even the floors, were booked. kids, it's sunday. cant u let the old guys like me occupy the library on sundays? wat happened to good ol' sunday morning cartoons?!?!?!

by kids i meant those having their exams.

i seem to have new-found affiliation with kids nowadays. perhaps it's the few days of doin Zenitant trails. i find kids super witty and funny and they jus make me smile. trails are growing on me actually. perhaps i'm meant to teach after all.


this kid was sitting at the table in front. he was tryin to break a hard-boiled egg. it was cute because he was SO meticulous. he dropped some eggshell and egg on the table, so he tried to sweep everything up from the table. talk about perfect table manners. watching him try to break the egg in various ways made me smile too. here's some pic i sneaked.

oh and he was reading ANIMORPHS. cool eh.

i wish i could be a kid sometime. u know, sit down and enjoy all the fantasy stories in the world. bout transformers and ghosts, gettin scared at night bout what's under my bed/inside my closet. wake up to sat/sunday morning cartoons like Anamaniacs, Captain Planet, etc. things seemed more...simple.

so anyway i studied till 6pm and went to town to meet the guys.

Boo, Seng, Shawn Wang

me and Mickey Mouse

i havent seen all of them (except Seng) in a long while. since i ORD if i'm not wrong. Mr BSO Steven is workin at G-Star now, trying out all the expensive jeans and shirts. he's got a reddish brown streak in his hair tt looks like lightning struck him and burnt his hair. tt cockster hasnt been eating well it seems cos he seems to have lost weight and he looks BALD with tt new hairstyle hahaha. i miss tt ass.

Shawn Wang, my fellow Scrubs-ster. dunno why but we didnt talk much tv today. it seemed abit weird. he's workin at Skate-line durin the weekends, and as an accountant durin the weekdays. today's his ORD date actually. sigh, i miss talkin crap with him.

Mickey Mouse Cheong is air-steward in training! future SIA kong-shao! hearing bout his new-job and its exciting prospects makes me wana fly as well. imagine "breakfast in London, lunch a few days later in Paris" , touching grass of the football fields, catching the latest concerts in HK, getting the latest gadgets from Japan, etc. mayb in 4 yrs time if i can still make it den i'll join SIA. but MM says flyin tt often will age faster cos more prone to damages from the sun. yar.....but u only live once. who cares.

i miss the guys la. good old army days. sometimes i wish i had Boo's happy-go-lucky character more, Seng's assertiveness, Shawn's ultimate wit, and Mic's riding skills. meeting up with them was the ultimate heartwarmer of the week that i still have frens like these who ask me out.

"I do not enjoy such humour"

those were the dead-pan words the teacher in the pic below uttered to one kid. too bad i didnt hear wat the kid say, but i tot it was so funny. here's some pics of my volunteer work with Aunt Jenny at Glenn Marine, chaperoning kids on a ship tour, where i was embarrassingly late (again, after hotel recce the day b4 with aunt jenny as well). damn paiseh.

this kid took out his umbrella and many started flocking to him. this is St Gabriel the boy sch FYI. haha.

my snack-box vs. theirs. sama sama actually.

entering the Braveheart. notice there's a Scottish player at the side playin music.grand entrance wor.

kids

Joanna and Johnny

Then we had lunch at Botak Jones, my first time there. damn long queue.

Johnny treated me Cajun Chicken! the cheese on the chicken looks gross in pic but terrific in real. but it was damn spicy la. eat till my taste buds died. but it was quite nice.

and i caught FUR's trailer on the Cineleisure big screen just now. no audio, but Nicole Kidman looks ravishing as Diana Arbus. i cannot wait till 13 January. so goin to catch the trailer on youtube. i can just die on the spot. i didnt know trailers can be so damn addictive. dammit.

in the spirit of Christmas, Santa, i've been a great boy this year. pls fulfill my greedy-greedy-wish-list.

- revival of my favourite shows like Felicity, Jack and Bobby, Everwood.

- watch FUR nowwwwwwwww.

- get straight As.

- Travel the world.

- a brand new pair of flip-flops.

- a treadmill

- extra 20 hours in a day.

-a money tree.

- a better person for a better person.

but i know Santa's a huge believer in disappointments. so i guess i'll jus have to work my ass off for miracles to happen. it's after all Christmas.

"My guppy just gave birth! 9 and a half in total cause one is stuck. Think it's stillborn. Haha.."
.
.
.
"No it doesnt rhyme. And i found out abit too late. Cause 6 died alr and 3 are left swimming. One stuck. Confirm die liao la. And no i didnt film. Privacy mans!" - Clara.




It doesnt take a lot to make me laugh. just something like that counts for the joke of the day. Clara cannot be explained. u have to see her live to know the humour.

We fought again. 15 mins into the house and 3 mins into The Office, she started issuing ultimatums, went for a quicker-than-usual bath, switched off the tv, and started again. i had the tv loud, but she was louder. technically, it wasnt a fight. throughout the twenty mins i was jus listening. it's been a really tiring and long day. after all these it was all that i wanted to just sit down for half an hour to enjoy 30mins of comedy. i was so tired that even answering, talking back, or looking at her felt like an immensely draining task. so i jus sat there, shifting my eyes only between 3 spots.

everytime she starts, it's over something trivial. but such minute details usually spawn out of something more serious behind the scenes. this time it was over him giving her a gradually-decreasing house allowance. i do not know what happened. but tonight, it started with me taking my shoes after only i stepped into the house. she wants me to take off my shoe outside, and not dirty the door area, when it's barely 3 steps away from the gate and not as if my shoes were caught in poo. i thought it was a complete made-out-of-a-molehill situation, and it's already become such a habit for me to take off shoes indoors. like always, she made a huge deal out of it and it all goes back to the same problems that happened before, agin and again. it's always about cooking food. always about how she cares because she cooks. everything is measured in food terms, but it's completely untrue and ironic, given i jus bought 3 chicken pies 2 days ago and i onli ate 1 while the other 2 mysteriously disappeared.

everytime something like this happens, i told myself that i shall not rely on anyone within these 4 walls anymore. thou i still do, but gradually, i feel like i'm breaking away. i told myself that talkin back is pointless because she will never admit to any fault on her part. to her, a mistake is always one sided. but on days when i get heated up fast, a glorious argument will occur. i told myself that i do not need to rely on anyone to survive. out of a sense of rebel, i became fiercely individual. what have they done for me lately? i'm fighting my own battles this yr. and even many years before this. i never had any emotional support from them, cept mayb slightly from my sis. i wash my own clothes, i eat most of my meals outside nowadays. i found ways to pay for my sch fees, i pay for my own transport. only thing they're payin for now is my phone bill (which i will take over soon i suppose) and the electrical bills. my aircon's not working so i dun consume that much electricity as before, and i am barely home during the day.

how difficult is it for someone to change? everything is always our fault in her eyes. it's never her fault. she's too proud to admit. and i was deemed the rebel of the family. it dawned on me that after all these quarrels over the years, she never really thought about whether anything was her fault at all. she's always the hero. she blames me for not telling her things in my life. but we never really had that relationship to start with. and throughout the years, i realised that telling her wat i'm doin is never a good idea. i cant tell her i have council meetings back then, because she will surely disapprove, and an endless merry-go-round argument will ensue. gradually, i became defensive. why doesnt one re-evaluate?

i told my sis that from now on if she's told to ask me if i want dinner, just tell her straight that i do not want it at all. no need to sms me. no need to call. as much as i like her cookin, it's been giving her an excuse to use it back at me as well. unless she cooks without askin me, then i will finish it just to not waste food.

i know that it can never be one party's fault. perhaps one fine day all these anamosity will disappear. perhaps that day will come when i move out and live on my own. that idea is really growing fast in my head. everyday it jus seem more and more like something i should do. or perhaps that day will come when someone pass on.

and after today's gathering with my slackin trio and hazi, i realise, once again, that i need to live more for myself.

this is my outlet. dun take pity on me. because that is the last thing i want.

i'm really tired...

upgrade you

so many new albums this period. Beck, KTTunstall, JohnMayer,James Morrison,RobbieWilliams,Killers,RubenStuddard,JohnLegend,FIR,kenji,benfolds,etcetc.

and K T Tunstall did a cover of Beck's Golden Age. lovely still.

my top 3 tracks @ MJ:
-F.I.R - Get High -----> ALWAYS gets me high.
-Beyonce - upgrade you ------> 3 times per day. feel very upgraded everytime.
- Paris - turn it up -----> like, so HOT. so long ago but heck.

i got my PongNan cds 2 days ago. whoopee. the second album is on replay. i've yet to rave much bout it. in due time perhaps.

and i'm rediscovering at17 and Leo Ku. The Best Is Yet To Come sounds v v timeless. i wana have Leo's hair n voice (!!!).

i'm so drowning myself in music+movies+books come end Nov. i'm promising myself that.

Yi Hua, you're at it again.

you almost finished a carton of multigrain milk in 1 night.
you're so tired u sld go to sleep.
you sld get ya act together and study hard for the comin exams.
you're listening to sad songs on replay again.
you spent 9-4 sitting at Mac ya butt feels like dough even now.
you are paranoid.
you are clueless.
and you are missing someone to death, even when u're not suppose to.

林一峰 - 一支烟的时间

每当点起一支烟便想起你

把烟头弹向夜空中没有丝毫留恋

用你不经心表情望着我一笑

那一刻我知道注定难避过一劫

若你点起一支烟会否想谁

是我吧在两个空间做着这相同动作

共你竟可这么近同时那么远

你走后我只有这样怀念你的手

用了一支烟的时间挂念谁

浪费了几分钟的感情计算得到还未算太累

而你似看穿我扮强悍 笑我姿势未纯熟

吸了烟呼出眼泪

让那火机哒的一声把快乐燃点

随着风中翻飞烟圈消散

我亦明白应怎打算

若你此刻点起烟会否想谁

going back to basics. back to the start.

w
h
y

wat happened to my sense of humour man?

gone with the haze~~~

boo hoo hoo.

randomness

"'Cool' is more perishable than 'Education' or 'Integrity'." - Jack and Bobby, ep 3.

"YiHua will be a smiley old man" - QJ, i highly doubt that. i tink there's researches bout these sayin tt we actually smile less when we age (which i tot was very real). unless i become senile or crazy, if not i'll prob be a stereotypical "grumpy-old-man" whom ppl perceive as a "old-colour-wolf." and i think Alzheimers is the worst disease anyone can get.

"the most effective learning takes place in a far-from-equilibrium state" - Dr Chew





-i told myself earlier that i'm never going to feel sorri for myself again. but i fear the day will come when the lines between being confident and being smug/condescending/self-righteous/indestructable will fade and i become the largest jackass in the universe. that's a scary thought, especially when i think it's always both parties' fault whenever a mistake occurs. in the situations that've happened so far this past week, i dun think i've done anything wrong. everything was out of goodwill. i guess my biggest weakness lies in being too eager to please, and my constant silliness at wanting to poke into people's business. no wonder my mum use to tell me i like to do 'kaypo'; helping out in sch, stayin back for meetings, etc.

- today, i wondered what it would have been if i were filthy rich. like bath in birds nest kinda rich. alot of things wld have been so much easier. it'd be easier to be cool, cos u have cash aplenty to spend on clothes+accessories+the latest gadgets. u can also feel good about yourself by goin under the knife to restructure anything at all given the technological advances today. you can plant trees and save the island from the worsening effect of the haze. u can adopt a village of African kid AND be on the headlines. and if all these wld make u happy, am i right to say that money can indeed buy happiness? and if i suffer from cancer or Alzheimers, i can donate all of it away, and other people can get their fragments of happiness.

- i dun think i will ever "make it big" one day, if the perception is to have tons of cash, drive a car, have a flight of staircase within ya 4 walls, become a pop star. i'll be one of those kids the immensely rich n proud might snub. i'll be a mini-me in their opinion. but then comes the qns: are the richies hardworking and the poor lazy? or is it Lady Luck's undoing?

-i sound very dollar-oriented today. but i do not have a huge desire for it yet. i just find it alot easier if you can have what u need. true u might not appreciate the hardwork and have that kind of satisfaction to finally achieve what u want. but think of all that u can get instead. and if that kind of extravagance can outweigh the supposed 'satisfaction', den which is beta?

-yes i wana be rich. not bath-in-sharks-fin kinda rich. jus rich within my own world. to be able to live a humble life. able to get my meals and feed my dogs. to get the latest faye wong cd instantly without havein to save. to not feel a pinch when buying a $50 original The Hours poster but feel pain when buying a Volkswagon.

- i feel sad for the guy tt jumped off the tracks.

- i need to exercise liao now tt the haze is gone and i have no more excuses.

- wa lau u luk damn familiar in those glasses i almost fainted.

- i'm told by Dr Chew that we sld all say THANK YOU at everything. when sitting for an exam and given the papers, exhault THANK YOU. for the challenge! for the chance to improve! for the chance to practice and become perfect! THANK YOU!

- how empowering. therefore, THANK YOU!!!

urgh

I HATE IT.

i detest the new design, but i cant tell u how much i hated it cos we're askin u a favour. such an irony, how wat we discussed didnt finalise and u're talkin bout "givin us wat we want".

the more i look at it, the more i feel like it's all's goin downhill from here. i jus heard postcard printing will cost a bomb.

urghurghurgh.

I HATE IT.

i love my mum's curry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOqXlbWf9Io

hands down one of the best youtube clips i've seen. all thanks to PeiYih, i had balls of fun!!! =)=)=)

I did my first Zenitant trail today @ the Esplanade. it's been a long time since i last joined the morning workforce crowd on the train, tryin to grab a seat, catch a wink, and breathe some fresh air of nature. Well, there wasnt much fresh air to talk about, neither did i catch a wink. but waking up early really made me believe that i've spent my day fruitfully.

my job's to be a station master and tell the kids to measure the vertical height of this pole at the outdoor theatre. i got paired with another first timer, and he didnt even attend any briefing at all!( i had a very quick one the night b4 by dear ChingYee) So i did most of the briefing to the kids. and i was put at an outdoor station. first timer leh......

so anyway i made do and did my thing. sweating like a pig but it was kinda fun working with the kids they'll call me 'cher, cher'. some rude ones tried to outspeak me, but they're jus too short to win. but kids nowadays.....gone are the days of the studious pants-wore-high nerds. welcome the age of the fashionista. i saw one nose piercing. a billionth ear piercing from the guys, tons of shirts tucked out, herds of ah-lian cliques. and they're just a bunch of sec 1s. kids. sigh.

not that i have strong distaste against any of that. i'm open minded. jus that times have changed.

but there's of cos the smarties that everyone likes, and the tongue-in-cheek cuties that i just wana pinch. no paedophilic innuendos intended.

then i had lunch with 2 of the seniors, who said i look like another senior who left for Sweden to furthur studies. and i was shocked at how striking i resembled him, vice versa. haha...but i only saw a side-view pic from her lappie. why do i have so many lookalikes?!

i finally fulfilled my study-at-esplanade-lib resolution. no perfect sea view cos the nice seats were taken. and there's that sun-screen. but it was nice to see everything thru the sunscreen as well. i'm amazed at how fruitful the session was, and i realised quick 15 mins nappies can do wonders. after a nap i'll be fully charged. weird.

den i took a few pics, went Shaw Towers lookin for pong nan cd, reserved 2, went for studies, and am zonked out now. body ache. a bad sign of fatigue. i tink i'm gettin old. and rusty. in serious need of some motivation and discipline.

exams comin...and my prom schedule has been shelved for a couple of days and i've gotta update the big shots come sat. workin tml....blablabla. enough ramblings for the day.

The 'Four' Tag

sigh.......i dunno what i'm doing. really. almost clueless, almost helpless. and i keep thinking 'not good enough' thoughts. very dangerous.

so here's something random.

i'm tagged by 'Susan' Tan (notice my newfound kindness with the ' ' ). so here goesssss.....


Four things not many people know about me:
1) my nicknames in Signal Institute are Ewa (Jeff) & yee-har! (Tan Guang Hong).
2) I smell my rice before i eat it.
3) I can finish 1 litre of milk over two nights.
4) i. burp. alot.


Four movies I could watch over and over:
1) The Hours
2) Napoleon Dynamite. duh.
3) Fight Club
4) The Incredibles


Four places I've lived / visited:
1) Singapore
2) Thailand
3) Hawaii
4) Hong Kong


Four TV shows I love to watch:
1) Felicity (four only?!?!?! what depravation)
2) Gilmore Girls
3) Everwood
4) Project Runway
5) American Idol
6) Lost
7) Alias
8) ANTM


Four of my favourite foods:
1) Nasi Lemak
2) Chippy fish&chip
3) Full House milk tea
4) Gelare waffles + ice cream


Four places I would rather be:
1) New York
2) London
3) CSS
4) somebody's arms

Four favourtie songs:
1) Foolish Games - Jewel
2) Across the Universe - Fiona Apple
3) 一支煙的時間 - 林一峰 (Chet Lam)
4) 垃圾 - 盧巧音
5) Blue - Joni Mitchell

Four person I tag:
1) YY
2) dustbin (dun be cool. DO THIS! ya blog is gatherin cobwebs)
3) Justin
4) Kwek (if u're still reading)

菲比尋常

I dunno why but i watched 3 concert dvds all at one go today.

i had Sandy to spaghetti dinner, Stef Sun to work, and now Faye Wong to inspire.

perhaps it's cos no one was at home when i started. and when i start watching, no one can stop me. not even my sister's incessantly annoying tantrum to wana watch Ellen Pompeo whine in Grey's Anatomy.

i feel ashamed. largely because i havent listen to Faye in a loong time. slightly because i cant keep my eyes off the tv to concentrate on work when it's playing.

I love the way her voice is so multi-faceted, so multi-dimensional. so ethereal, so crisp. and her phrasing.
I love how she closes her eyes when she sings.
I love how she doesnt sell-out. The concert had absolutely no dancers. it's just the Voice and the stage designs. with occasional scene stealers from the costume changes and the musicians.
I love the arrangements. it made the songs sound brand new. Zhang Ya Dong is terrific.
I love the outfits. especially the second half white half-off-shoulder dress with the corset and callous hair.
I love the white piano. and the piano player.
I love the eye makeup which stayed thruout the show, with slight changes (like outlines) between outfit changes.
I love how uncompromising it is. people who dun like her wont. those who do like her will forever be converted.
I love how my dad is sitting quietly to enjoy it. total immersion and not slumber music fest i hope. Cold War now.






I hate how i have to wait at least another 3 years before i can see her live again. I shall save up enough to go HK to catch it. den another round in Spore.

for now, i shall look forward to 9 DEC. I shant go on about Sandy. all i can say is that Voice can sing anything and my heart will just drop and wither away.

Artist: John Hiatt
Album: Bring The Family
Title: Have A Little Faith In Me

When the road gets dark

And you can no longer see

Just let my love throw a spark

And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry

Are all you can believe

Just give these loving arms a try

And have a little faith in me

And

Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart

Cannot speak so easily

Come here darlin'

From a whisper start

To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall turn around and you will see

I will catch, i will catch your fall baby

Just have a little faith in me

Well, i've been loving you for such a long time girl

Expecting nothing in return

Just for you to have a little faith in me

You see time, time is our friend'

cause for us there is no end

And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me

I said i will hold you up, i will hold you up

Your love gives me strength enough

So have a little faith in me

I do not know if it's the smart schedulers at Ch 5, or Providence, but over 2 consecutively different shows that run one after another, this song was played. first, in Jack and Bobby, then on Joan Of Arcadia.

more on Jack and Bobby. The WB (a tv station in the US) have some of the best shows on tv targetted for the family. J&B is not strictly a family drama, but it's got an interesting premise. J and B are brothers, and together with Grace, their unorthodox, intelligent mother, we're shown how she'll raise these 2 very different brothers to become great men. One of which will go on to become one of the most influential presidents in America history. the narration is interspersed with present-day monologues by White House staffers and the First Lady, and each episode explores a particular theme. "Each episode will be themed around some aspect of character. What makes someone inspiring? How valuable is faith or honesty? Is greatness born in a person or is it learned? The story of Jack and Bobby McCallister is the origin tale of a great leader."

sadly, the show never last past the first season. what a tragic waste. the third episode was just over. Sundays are fast becomin the best day for tv. so set some time aside for triple consecutive exhilaration: J&B, Joan of Arcadia, and Veronice Mars.

林忆莲 - 不敢奢想改变你

作曲：雷頌德

填詞：潘源良

編曲：雷頌德/Ted Lo

靠近你　抱著你　不敢信這是突然運氣

吻著你　有種特殊心理

明明祈求可共你　一起　卻總閃過顧忌

如今又卻竟不會躲避 其實我不算自卑　

真的很在乎你 你所給我的歡喜　

我將謹慎收起 明白你習慣像鳥在追夢而飛

沒法生根於這地　不敢奢想　改變你

我是我　你是你　孤單看似世上自然定理

愛得起　我卻飛不起

只可以長期思念你　跟你　

那些溫暖氣味 如果沒法子可心死

其實我不算自卑　真的很在乎你

你所給我的歡喜　我將謹慎收起

無謂去自怨自騙地等待時機 在那一天捉緊你　做夢距離

從不可比　誰可比　抱緊真實的你

愛就是　形影不離　那管天地妒忌

其實這種激戀　絕對不羈 沒有想過會終於　

交給你　不悲更喜

這刻清清楚楚　統統都屬於你

你所給我的歡喜　我將謹慎收起

明白你習慣像鳥在追夢而飛 沒法生根於這地　

不敢奢想　改變你 完全奉獻　終於這天　變了是我

dear Sandy, pleeease sing this on 9th Dec.

amusement prom

i just find the chain of events leading to prom very amusing. it started a few hours ago, when Clara smsed me to tell me bout the table allocation. haha...i hope i'll have this sense of humour on the actual day, and pray everything be smooth-sailing. so far:

- today Mrs Terrence (mrs T) called me and asked me if i took down the table allocation notices. students were supposed to form their table-of-10. turns out someone played a prank and tore down everything! lucky my nomination box was not destroyed. so in Clara's words, everyone rushed down to fill up right after their lessons. so exciting hor!!! so it's officially reborn tankewverymuch.

- she also told me a student in her class was so unwelcomed she had no tables to sit. so she put her name as the 11th person on 2 tables. ok tt's a bit sad, not funny. yar.

- back to the point, the 120 nomination slips i replenished on thurs at 5pm was officially gone at 4pm friday! i was in the library when aunt Jenny called me. i wonder if the same prom-king-wannabe took all the slips and voted for HIMSELF again, despite my IMPORTANT NOTICE yesterday.

- like quite a commotion hor. gosh they're supposed to be studyin for Os man.

- while sms-chatting, C came up with a eat-meat-in-front-of-mrs-T idea. i envisioned her mouth to be dripping juice and the photo being sent to take part in our photohunt competition. but we figured nothin beats Mrs T with the caption "vegetarian", or Mrs Teo with the caption "air one".

- i wished her all the best for her AIR level and hopes she gets all AIR ONE.

- and i cant wait for C to turn up in the red tightpant suit ala Britney Spears from Oops I Did It Again. den she'll make squeaking noises when she walks!!!!!!! LOL!!! heeeeeeeeeeee. but i tink she'll pull off the fann wong in green-mini-shorts look. den she can say "wat award should i win next year arh?!"



damn i feel like i've sinned too much. pray they dun read this at all. pray.

I'm suffering from post-Everwood withdrawal. I didnt know last week's episode was the season finale. And guess what's replaced it now?

7TH HEAVEN

that show's so long-lasting it's becoming the Primetime Days of Our Lives. I've seen Jessica Beil grow up and become an air-babe in Stealth, Barry Watson grow up into Boogeyman, and witnessed the immortality of Happy (as "Happy"), as perhaps one of the longest-living dogs (or dog-character) in showbusiness. Now, if only some of my favourite (and way better) shows were that die-hard. Perhaps I'm a jinx to the shows I like.


Today I received an sms from Clara, to thunderous shock. The prom nominee voting slips were all gone, the box is falling apart, and the cloth is torn! I tried to reply her, but my messages just kept failing me. SO i tried sms-ing Mary, which didnt get through as well. so i thought must be some problem with the server or something. so i waited. still cannot. sms another person. IT WORKED. hinthint i'm NOT destined to study in peace. Then Clara called to tell me there's this guy from this class who took all the voting slips (cos he's DYING to be prom king), squeezed his fat hands into the box (to take out votes for others), and damaged my delicately wrapped-in-gold cloth! MADNESS.

so i had to go back to school (cos no one was free enough.) and settle this kinda shithead la. when i got there this Malay kept lookin at me. so i asked Clara if he's the guy. surprise surprise! let's just say he's DEFINITELY NOT prom king material and leave it at that. so i took the box down, looked thru the votes, and touched up the box (i can see signs of his fat hands squeezing thru the small opening). i looked thru the votes and there were 16 votes for the same person, with the same handwriting, with the same anonymous format. like, how silly can one person get larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. urgh.

now the hole's so tiny u can only slip papers inside. and i left a deft note, with these line:
-"tampering with the nomination box/ putting your hands into the hole is definitely not an act of a prom king or queen. spies are watching"
- "anonymous nominations will be disqualified straightaway."

now i fear for Clara's life, for he might know that she's the spy and just kill her in order to be prom king. gosh, wat if he turned up in a fisherman outfit with a hook and decides to kill the prom queen/king after spilling dog blood over their heads?!?!

too drama. i watch too many b flicks. but then, it's hollywood-cinema breakout! for goodness sake! anything can happen!

i might just come with a mini afro to match my VOTE FOR PEDRO t-shirt, ala Napoleon Dynamite.

duh.






and i saw you in someone today. what a small world huh.

and all i can do was implode a Death sigh.

joke of the day

"yo mama is so phat, that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people on the street stretch out their hands and shout "TAXI!""

"Yo mama is so phat, when she walks past the tv, an entire series of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is gone"

-Clara

Sidney Bristow

"My name is Sidney Bristow. 7 years ago I was recruited by the CIA. I was sworn to secrecy, but i couldn't keep it from my fiance. That's when they had him killed..."


Welcome back Sidney. And it breaks my heart to see your fiance die once again. Soon, we shall part with you too.

mortality

as i grow older, death becomes more inevitable. i begin to hear about demises and sickness, frightful situations that threatens. i fear the day it happens to me or the people around me. it's slowly but surely creepin closer and closer to my ears. when the day comes, i fear my threshold for such torture. as inevitable as it might be.

i have to move on.

i heard bout someone who went crazy and didnt speak at all after his wife died.

that's a frightful thought.

death. it's but a metaphor for all that has passed. it seems like a wild bushfire i cant tame. of relationships and ideals, of passions and health. i can only hope a phoenix rises from the ashes after.

i'm not sure if i'm makin sense.

joke of the day

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.














get it? go figure!

*(courtesy of Clara, the funniest 16 yr old yet to get a prize for it)*

breakout!!!

I'm so shagged today I don't even know why. vy? vy vy vy?

perhaps it's the late night yesterday. I slept at 4am gosh. This morning I woke up feeling like Sleeping Beauty hoping she never got that kiss. I kept pacing between the living room sofa and my bed, before I dragged my lazy bum to the toilet to freshen up.

Prom meeting didnt turn out as bad as I thought. In fact it was quite fruitful. which also made me realise i have more areas to cover now! wow! there's paper everywhere screaming at me! and our theme is soooooo uber cool. "Hollywood - Cinema Breakout!" wah....haha....glam till u die sia. haha. which means i'll have to dress up! i wonder if there'll be people trying to look like Darth Vader claiming to be someone's father, Yoda, King Kong, or NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!! HECK! I wana dress like ND lar! but i'll look super silly for an organiser. hahahaaahahahah.....

so the next few days will be coupled with trips to CSS and busy mugging trying to finish my TMAs on time. i havent been working so next month i'll be growing plants and eating them. where got money to stalk Sandy Lam sia?!?!?!?!!

After which I went home, took a quick shower, and went to workplace for ice-cream mooncake with colleagues. The auspicious time was 5pm because everyone will be present by then. Met up with the yao-nie Shawn again, who's tryin to get "the pirate thing' which i told him many times was called an EYEPATCH but he claims that no one would understand. ya. try looking for an EYEPATCH at "gift a name". THAT people will understand! i was practically laughin my ass off at the salesgirl's reaction!

haha. cant wait for KTV @ Deepavali. we'll sing Indian songs.

Ice cream mooncake was nice la. my house is full of mixed nuts mooncakes, which taste like puke IMO. we only had DURIAN MOONCAKES this year! terribly pathetic. it's as little as the times i spend at home nowadays. perhaps if i had finish everything up fast enough mum wld have bought more. but thankfully small aunt donated 3 "normal" ones to us. (one is green tea. urk). but it was better than nutthin la. nutthin nuts.

yar..... i'm tired but i am amazed at how much i can still go on bitching. haha. YY, this is one of those "what-i-did-today" entries tt sounds bimbotic enough to dedicate to u. peace out!

littleblackcurlyhair

i am tired of worrying, melancholy, and thinking of undeserving nonsense that takes up so much of my energy and brainspace. stuff that aren't even real! (no i'm not dillusional)

from now on i shall aspire to be a perky bunny, like Phoebe from FRIENDS. i'll sing silly songs straight to seashells on the seashore, about smelly cats, blackouts, adultery and sex. but i love singing bout smelly cats most. i like my DIY rock-angsty version. "WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU?!?"mayb i sld join the next Rockstar-something. Rockstar Garbage! den i can croach in Shirley Manson's face.

littleblacklittleblacklittleblacklittleblacklittleblackcurlyhair.

a sneak peek.

you think you know my life? here's a sneakier peek into it.

This is what i read most of the time: ENTETTAINMENT WEEKLY. (my serious read now is Jeanette Winterson after Jack's mad recom) it's the coolest magazine because it's got funny bits and EVERYTHING from Broadway to books to music to movies to tv. it's my entertainment bible. i get all my info from it. i dun buy them cos its expensive, so i just go library and borrow. i read it more often than 8 days. and it's not just some cheesy tabloid magazine. the articles are insightful and well written. this issue boast 4 covers inside with various LOST caracters, explains why MI3 floped during opening week, and how Commander in Chief went from the latest hit to the biggest loser. LOST conspiracies it came up with include: Purgatory, all a big hallucination, a mutant hothouse, the rest of humanity extinct, and the island being a mad scientists program. go figure.

this is my own hellhole: my desk. my workspace is effectively a quarter of the table. when in need of large spaces i use the kitchen table. i plan to clear it all up by the end of the week, my so-called self-given-cos-its-timely recess week. purge week IMO. and i'm ashamed to say i havent sat on my armchair in over 2 yrs. yar. amazing huh. i didnt like it tt much. so it has become part of the table already. and a part-time clothes hanger too.

these are what i will be listening to in the next few days. i just took them from shop today (with the exception of Sandy which has been on heavy rotation for the past few days) . that's the new Evanescene cd between Sandy and Harlem.

puttin this poster up yesterday has been one of the best decisions i've made to my room. it's close to the ceiling, which totally matches the poster design, as if Nicole is really up there and my room really had clouds. now i can finally look up to Nicole, literally. heck, pray to her even.

this is my precious Sandy Lam poster taken from Grand Copthorn Waterfront Hotel a few yrs back when Sandy came to perform. Twist of fate, that hotel i was workin in happened to be the official hotel sponsor. so i got this poster!! whoopee! pity i didnt stalk Sandy then. i was too young lar.

the rest of my room i am too ashamed to show due to its graphic nature. after my purge maybe. so a few hours ago i met up with Seng and CH. it was super spontaneous. wat was supposed to be a chilling session in the afternoon bout 3pm became a waiting session for MR LIM CHEE SENG to finish his assignment. so i waited for him since 5pm, ate some hotdog prata, chat abit, all in his classroom. den Mr Lee joined us at 6.45pm and we started talkintalkin till 8.30pm (!!!) before he finally finished and we went to have dinner at NewYorkNewYork. yeah my first time! and there's free candy floss!

my spring chicken.

CH's very glossy sausage.

the lovebirds. her name is QIUYI. have to mention cos i'll definitely forget.

we got the cave-in seats! not so cool after all cos air circulation wasnt that pretty. imagine 6 ppl eating. the food wasnt great. mine was only normal, CH's sausage didnt 'melt in his mouth. just felt very fattening". Qiuyi's pasta tasted like "play-doh", seng's steak was average. the buffalo wings were nice thou.

i havent seen Seng since i ORD, so it's definitely nice to catch up with him again, seeing him all lovey-dovey-mushy. haha. that's like whopping 6 mths or so without his nonsense!?!?! need to have outing soon man. i miss the days. and i wana see BSO's hair! heard it's uber cool. haha. gotta visit him at Paragon someday soon. CH i see like every once in a while. but what he's doing never cease to amaze me.

and i'm looking for Prom sponsors and a theme for prom!!! ppl who speak foreign languages where are u? pls tell me if u have nice themes or lobangs tankewverymuch.

bed of lies.

I watched a JOA episode about "revealing the truth", that your eyes just need to adjust to the lights when you go from being in the dark, into the light. here, light is a metaphor for the truth. Truth here comes in the form of Haylie Duff finding out that the "mother" who brought her up was actually something less than an adopted parent. She was a social-service worker who "stole" a junkie's baby when that junkie failed to provide for the baby(Haylie Duff) and was suffering from an overdose.

Today's episode of Oprah revealed the American Lie, citizens who have been living in a lie. she asked: are you living in a lie? there's this girl who spends all her money on clothes celebrities wear just so she could feel good about herself. Oprah, being a seasoned interviewer, was kind enough not to be too blunt / harsh on her. but the poor girl seems to be really living in a lie. what's worse was she knew it, yet she's living the hell out of it.

it's one too many times for a single day. perhaps it's Providence. and so it got me thinking: am i living in a lie as well? i questioned if i'm trying to emulate someone / something, holding on to something already lost, pretending that all is well when the truth is far from it. my very existance.

sadly, i am.

and i think many of us do so as well to a certain extent. maybe it's a fine line between being idealistic, optimistic, and living-a-lie.

what u can hold on to might not be real. and what's tangible might not be so surreal after all.

hopes and dreams got me too high. i need to stand on firm soil now.

goodbye good buddy

I didn't know seeing someone off could be this hard.

- Joan of Arcadia 2.15: Romancing The Joan Girardi

Little Girl God - And they all lived happily ever after. There's a surprise. You guys really like that ending.
Joan - Yeah, well, you have a better one?
God - They all moved towards spiritual growth and enlightenment? Joan - Yeah. That's gonna work with the kids.
God - Ever notice that the guy always has to risk his life and the girl is nearly dead when he finds her? It takes a kiss to wake her up, and they ride off together. It's a nice metaphor.
Joan - For what?
God - Death and resurrection.
Joan - Yeah, well, that's a fun party game. ?
God - It happens all the time. The illusion dies so that something deeper can take its place.
Joan - Are you saying that... Adam and I are an illusion?
God - Romance serves a purpose. It's a meditative state. It puts logic to sleep so that people can come together. Otherwise, you guys probably wouldn't risk it.
Joan - Why did you have to make love so complicated? I mean... couldn't that one thing have been easy?
God - Love is big. It's a bright light in the universe. And a bright light casts a big shadow. So what do you want to do, Joan?
Joan - How am I supposed to know?
God - By looking at it. Real love is hard work. You have to decide if you want it in your story. Or...if you'd rather just stay in the dream.

stop the drilling

I missed another show I wanted to watch. Talking about how I did not manage to catch Forbidden City just infuriates me. Maybe it's not meant to be.

celebrating PeiYih's birthday

this is a creepy picture. I just realised today that there's a "lady" behind Lionel!


this pic cracks me up. =) tak-glam bday girl
today
enjoying his last stingray in Spore for the year. keke.

Jas said I'll see a different her in a month's time. "if u got heart den sure can one la."

Somehow I wonder if it's that easy to change into a completely different person.

The world would probably be a much happier place, won't it?

HADY MIRZA IS THE NEW SINGAPORE IDOL!!!

I blogged an entry but somehow there was an error.

but WHOOPEE!!!

I haven't catch the performance show, only today's result show.

It's a (not so)interesting finale
-Electrico performed as a great homage to local bands. Seeing JL having a great time and so in his element sealed my thoughts that JL is better off with a band. Hady seemed out of place, but at least he's trying and sounds great.

- I spotted tons of lip-synching. Energy was at it again (as usual), and they sand an english song with the idols. I thought it was a huge selling-out. And the top 12 did so during their medley. poor showmanship. worse production unit.

-Tanya Chua!!

-Taufik Batisah!!! I am keeping my goatee like him.

- Ken Lim smiled (finally).

- JL's fans were mostly chinese. Hady's fans were mostly Malay, with Taufik fans in them too (cause I saw that Taufik banner amongst the blues!)

-Mathilda sang the last line to the top 12 medley.



i forgot what i wanted to blog about because my mind is disoriented now. but here's a point.

I've always considered the possibilty of a judges' conspiracy, because all season they have been dropping hints of a JL win. I thought Singapore would not want another Taufik as an Idol. And this was the year when rock really had a representative in JL (instead of last year's gross SS).

So it came as a surprise when Hady (not Hardy) won today! I guess a large part of it was his great singing at yesterday's show. but it could very well be a sponsors' conspiracy! Consider the fact that Taufik was the glamazon to blaze covers and ads last year. consider the pin-uppy idol 7-11 needs to promote its drinks (JL prob needs to do some splashing of coke for that). And they can't possibly have a rock anthem for the National Day song, at least not in the next few years, however uber cool I think that idea will be. We need inspirational songs, the generic way. So in the end, Soul triumphed Rock, again.

that would explain the camera on Mathilda's hands during Hady's winning song. it must be a Nikon Coolpix.

or what's in Hady's mouth when he's singing. must be some Ricola because he forgot some words to his songs.

or the bling-bling on the usually undecorated Tanya Chua. Those Goldheart Jewellery can break her neck I tell you.

but what about the gaudy gold outfits during the Top 12's medley? Mathilda looked unfairly unflattering. that dress made her seem like in dire need for some Jean Yip treatment.

maybe that's just reverse advertising.


stay tuned for the Hady invasion at a local 7-11 / Starhub store near you.

蔡淳佳 - 对不起,我爱你

你空出一双手 穿过黑夜握住我

两个人的手心里有一整片宽阔的天空

谁都没有开口 星星也忘了闪烁

有你陪着我就可以 走到天涯的尽头

那时侯 还记得那时侯

从手心传过来的温柔

如果说只能活这一天 曾经与你深深相爱

我已没有遗憾

我用回忆温暖了想你的每一刻

不让你离我太遥远

走在这个适合拥抱的季节

爱在心里所以我不可怜

回忆温暖了想你的没一刻

紧紧抱着我说过的誓言

等待着我们说好的永远

梦见的两个人 在银白色的街头

留下的脚印一直 在我的心里往前走

从爱的第一秒 直到最后一分钟

我对我们之间没有任何后悔的理由

那时侯 还记得那时侯

从手心传过来的温柔

如果说只能活这一天 曾经与你深深相爱

我已没有遗憾

我用回忆温暖了想你的每一刻

不让你离我太遥远

走在这个适合拥抱的季节

爱在心里所以我不可怜

回忆温暖了想你的没一刻

紧紧抱着我说过的誓言

等待着我们说好的永远

当走过的路流过的泪被落叶湮没

是你的温柔让我的心重新活过来

就算相爱的人无论如何正式要离开

别问未来怎么办 我只需要等待

我用回忆温暖了想你的每一刻

不让你离我太遥远 走在这个适合拥抱的季节

爱在心里所以我不可怜

回忆温暖了想你的每一刻

把最后的合照摆在窗前

想象着你也需要我一样

挺在倒数在整个世界

盯住被我说好的永远

this song makes me want to cry.