Exhausted

I think it's been a mentally gruelling week, and coming into Saturday's Singapore Can Speak round, I wasnt prepared at all to face my group of ambassadors and tell them to be happy and pro-ative when all i wanted to do was to finish Far From the Madding Crowd. (There's no significance to the text, it's just my lit text for the upcoming exam on Tuesday) But when it came down to seeing these 17 yr old, somehow or rather it just came to be naturally that i have to be this ball of energy that they can absorb from. it's not putting up a front, but it just came to be. And strange enough, i gave more of myself this week than the last.

And i never knew that giving so much of yourself could be so exhausting. during the show it didnt feel tiring at all. i was energetic and forgot about my troubles. but after 3 hours at the end of the show, i just wanted to go home take off my shoes have a hot bath wash wax off my hair and just raise my feet up and have a cold beer. and read Hardy - not cos i want to but cos i have to. Then I just want to detonate my social calendar and just be by myself for a while, but figured i'll be more miserable by myself, so i went to bec's.

i realise that some people just zap the energy from you, without giving. I sometimes feel that way about myself too. but to my conscious, i hope that i've been there for my friends as much as i could be. i want to be remembered as someone who was giving all his life, and was there for people everytime.

in writing, I purge

Not many people inspire me to write. The events in my life and all that is happening around me do though. Not the great authors, Dickens, Eliot, Bronte, that I am reading; not the famous movie critiques like Owen Gleiberman, Whang Yee Ling, or Peter Travers. Its people I know that writes well that inspires me to write. Jack always inspires me to create something that is beautifully my own, always with a critical eye and never settle for second best. And recently, reading a junior's blog has spurred my interest in writing again. If at 17 he is able to write effortlessly and fluidly, it really puts me to shame.

and that's all i seem to be feeling these days, the constant nagging feeling that i am inapt and incapable of anything remotely great. My life is in shambles, really, and when i think of the sum of all that is wrong in my life, i just feel like giving up entirely, run away to some faraway place free from all of this and be by myself.

There's no sympathy out there it seems.

But on good days, the music will heal the soul. the only crying i'm doin now is from watching tv. through that, i live vicariously; rejoice, cry, laugh, and get excited, i do them all in solitude.




"I was. I lost. I sang. I knew. I ever hope for that strange autumn light again with the good dog again with the thousands of years. Scrap of [me] off Eurydice torn. Her number I lost her lark I shot and she a pulse. History never looks so possible as when leaving a heart spilt among the stones crying Don’t read it again it was perfect"
- Anne Carson

long time coming

I have so much to write, but when it comes down to sitting in front of the computer, trying to type out my thoughts with these tired hands, i'm unable to do so. so whatever comes to mind now.

i'm listening to 陈珊妮 right now. i find 如果有一件事是重要的, which was posted in the previous entry, a very soothing song that somehow makes me feel slightly better. not over-the-top exuberance, but just slightly more at peace with myself. and the lyrics are so simplistic, yet speaks volume. makes me wana kill myself for not catchin her in concert earlier this year.

i'm officially a GLEEK. about time now. i've cried 3 times to the show, and have been harbouring the idea that it's possibly better than American Idol. Wait, it could very well be true. if my tears are any indication, that i can cry 3 out of the 13 episodes of Glee Season 1 part 1, as compared to the less-than-10 times i've cried during Idol's 9 year run, then yes, GLEE is much better. but more so because this season's Idol is so lacklustre my puke had more character than 56345678 of the contestants. With the exception of Siobhan Crystal Lee lily and Alex Lambert, the others can go straight to oblivionville hell for all i care.

i've been hearing, that youths should be energetic and be full of fire and energy, endless amount of them. i forgot where i heard it from, pretty sure it's a tv show, and i got scared, because i do not feel like i have tt fire in me. i feel lethargic and empty most of the time recently. i do not feel driven much of the time. i procrastinate. and all this should be saved for when i am 90 yrs old (if i ever live that old) while i'm rocking that wooden piece of chair. but right now, i'm supposed to have fire in my eyes. but i'm not.

what ever happened to me and my dreams?

they're sucked away.

i have a list of ppl i admire and want to emulate. by 70 i will still be rocking like Tina Turner on heels. at 70s i wana be as artistically and critically acclaimed in my career as Clint Eastwood, who at 70+ is directing some of the best movies of his career. at 50 i wana be like Simon Cowell, full of confidence and all-knowing, but not cocky and arrogant. and be damn freaking rich. at 30 i wana be like Oprah Winfrey and reinvent myself by lugging out a trolley of fats and lose weight (if i get that fat). oh, and give all my friends a car when i am 40+. and build a freakin empire. and have a tv network and a tv show tt makes ppl cry.

far fetched eh. how bout that for falling short of your dreams.

如果有一件事是重要的

如果有一件事是重要的
曲:陈珊妮
词:陈珊妮

你想要不变心的情人
还是永远不老的青春
你想要更伟大更不朽
还是一个瞬间成永恒
你在期待命好使人废
还是坚持厄运不服输
回忆再珍贵都有极限
未来多完美并未可知
what if...what
if...谁都是自己问题的答案
what if...what
if...谁都是自己答案的问题
谁都有一辈子 好好想清楚
你想先得到一个祝福
还是先给予一个感谢
美丽再完美都有极限
思想多珍贵并未可知
what if...what
if...谁都是自己问题的答案
what if...what
if...谁都是自己答案的问题
谁都有一辈子 好好想清楚
如果有一件事是重要的
那就是 对与错的总合