We fought again. 15 mins into the house and 3 mins into The Office, she started issuing ultimatums, went for a quicker-than-usual bath, switched off the tv, and started again. i had the tv loud, but she was louder. technically, it wasnt a fight. throughout the twenty mins i was jus listening. it's been a really tiring and long day. after all these it was all that i wanted to just sit down for half an hour to enjoy 30mins of comedy. i was so tired that even answering, talking back, or looking at her felt like an immensely draining task. so i jus sat there, shifting my eyes only between 3 spots.

everytime she starts, it's over something trivial. but such minute details usually spawn out of something more serious behind the scenes. this time it was over him giving her a gradually-decreasing house allowance. i do not know what happened. but tonight, it started with me taking my shoes after only i stepped into the house. she wants me to take off my shoe outside, and not dirty the door area, when it's barely 3 steps away from the gate and not as if my shoes were caught in poo. i thought it was a complete made-out-of-a-molehill situation, and it's already become such a habit for me to take off shoes indoors. like always, she made a huge deal out of it and it all goes back to the same problems that happened before, agin and again. it's always about cooking food. always about how she cares because she cooks. everything is measured in food terms, but it's completely untrue and ironic, given i jus bought 3 chicken pies 2 days ago and i onli ate 1 while the other 2 mysteriously disappeared.

everytime something like this happens, i told myself that i shall not rely on anyone within these 4 walls anymore. thou i still do, but gradually, i feel like i'm breaking away. i told myself that talkin back is pointless because she will never admit to any fault on her part. to her, a mistake is always one sided. but on days when i get heated up fast, a glorious argument will occur. i told myself that i do not need to rely on anyone to survive. out of a sense of rebel, i became fiercely individual. what have they done for me lately? i'm fighting my own battles this yr. and even many years before this. i never had any emotional support from them, cept mayb slightly from my sis. i wash my own clothes, i eat most of my meals outside nowadays. i found ways to pay for my sch fees, i pay for my own transport. only thing they're payin for now is my phone bill (which i will take over soon i suppose) and the electrical bills. my aircon's not working so i dun consume that much electricity as before, and i am barely home during the day.

how difficult is it for someone to change? everything is always our fault in her eyes. it's never her fault. she's too proud to admit. and i was deemed the rebel of the family. it dawned on me that after all these quarrels over the years, she never really thought about whether anything was her fault at all. she's always the hero. she blames me for not telling her things in my life. but we never really had that relationship to start with. and throughout the years, i realised that telling her wat i'm doin is never a good idea. i cant tell her i have council meetings back then, because she will surely disapprove, and an endless merry-go-round argument will ensue. gradually, i became defensive. why doesnt one re-evaluate?

i told my sis that from now on if she's told to ask me if i want dinner, just tell her straight that i do not want it at all. no need to sms me. no need to call. as much as i like her cookin, it's been giving her an excuse to use it back at me as well. unless she cooks without askin me, then i will finish it just to not waste food.

i know that it can never be one party's fault. perhaps one fine day all these anamosity will disappear. perhaps that day will come when i move out and live on my own. that idea is really growing fast in my head. everyday it jus seem more and more like something i should do. or perhaps that day will come when someone pass on.

and after today's gathering with my slackin trio and hazi, i realise, once again, that i need to live more for myself.

this is my outlet. dun take pity on me. because that is the last thing i want.

i'm really tired...