I'm non-too-sure if it was the lack of sleep from the past three days, workin Zenitant Trails wakin up in the wee hours, sleepin in the wee hours as well after settling down from work.

it might be that my body is tryin to send me a message, probably that with concern to my age, and stamina. but i felt really tired and zonked out today, drained physically, and emotionaly.

but at least the kids cheered me up a little.

a few hours ago i finally got the reply i've been waiting for. i've asked my boss for a pay rise: 4.50 to 5 bucks per hour. he didnt bother to get back to me after sayin he'd need to discuss with another person. that got me thinkin if he's tryin to avoid me. so i called him, and with nowhere to run, he dismissed my request, saying if it happens to me, it sld happen to everyone too; even those who've worked longer have yet to receive it.

herein lies the irony, that person who's worked longer than me (full time), yet shorter than me (part time), has left. some time ago.

i guess i was too cocky and sure of myself, that they wld agree to it. what "i dun mind payin more if i think u deserve it." i see that as a sign that i might not deserve it. suddenly, i was swirled into the meaningless of it all: i feel like all these while i've worked in vain, and that all hard work, whether seen or not, will disappear as fast as the next newcomer. in a painful acceptance of reality, i realise how insignificant i have and will always be. someone else can easily take the job. boss wont lose money, prob jus a great pair of hands, or just a touch of leadership. i will be made use and ignored as easily, like a pawn. like a chess piece. and as soon as i leave, it prob only takes a minute before adjustment ends and the next customer enters. nothin lost, nothin gained.

it's...overwhelming, how i need a simple rejection to truely clear my vision. sometimes i stick too hard to the main road and miss out the sidewalk. i dont think being accptable of things is necessarily a virtue here.

not that i have gained nothin. i'm glad i had the chance to learn from the best. my supervisor has been as much of a learning canvas as a pain in the ass. given i start work at Jurong Point, i wld have gotten sick of the job faster, and learnt alot alot lesser.

and of cos there's the immense entertainment value at ya disposal.

i guess it's really time to move on.










and i cant win; not when i cant even see what i'm fighting against, and when i'm just not good enough.