CSS AALUMNI CHALET @ ALOHA CHANGI - 070608 – 080608
I hate chalet hangovers: the pent-up grievances at things gone wrong, the inability to quickly shift back to the normal routines of daily life, and the reminiscence of images both perfect and not. I realise that if shit is being handed to you and you willingly took it, you should really suck it up and fulfil the role.
Only 22 odd people turned up, out of the 30 odd that RSVPed with positive replies. The majority came from the batch that graduated last year, with the addition of a few young ones like Song Hui and Seng Chuan, Ian and Elwin, Weilong and Joanna.
Throughout the chalet i felt like a lonely soul. I kept myself busy with food and fire, cleanliness and set-ups. I was fine until the moment i took a plate of fried rice and sat down beside the fire, at a newly vacant seat, and then i realise that i was alone in all this. None from my batch turned up. I couldn’t sit with the teachers because i do not want to be arrowed further. With each mouthful of that starchy fried rice comes the painful realisation that i belonged nowhere. I was alone with no one to depend on. I realised that keeping myself busy was not so bad after all.
Throughout the time i kept asking mself: “what would VJ have done in this situation?” When Mdm Chang, or was it Auntie Jenny, signalled to me the arrival of Mr Henry Seow, i was stunned for a moment and wasn’t sure what i was supposed to do. It was a feeling of reluctance at doing something i wasn’t supposed to, and a feeling of having to do the right thing because no one else was there. I shoke Mr Henry Seow’s hands and welcomed him. He always has an extended grip that lasts beyond mine, which always makes me embarrassed to be the first to loosen my grip. In a way it’s a sign of weakness. I find myself subconsciously avoiding him for the rest of the evening, unwilling to explain the happenings of the alumni, or listen to supposed plans to do this or that. In the end, he approached me about Mrs Yeo’s farewell, and inevitable i was targeted. Another list of roles i need to fulfil. What wold VJ have done?
As i sat there watching cliques settle into fun and leisure, i asked myself whether VJ would have mingled with them and get to know them the way he did with our batch, or would he leave them alone and focus on himself and the logistic aspects.
VJ wasn’t really a huge influence in my life. I guess these thoughts surfaced because all these while he was the one dealing with it. And suddenly, when even Yoke Chong was not around, i found myself thrust into such a position. In the end i caved in to my self-inflicted trauma and decided to leave the kids alone. I could not find the strength to get to know them better, nor try to blend into any groups. I find myself tongue-tied beyond the surface questions of “where are u schooling” and “what class were u from?”
These roles and responsibilities would not seem so pressurising had i people i can depend on. I know that i can always depend on my batch for help, but that night, i find myself alone. Coming off after the discussion session about the state of the alumni the day before didn’t help either.
Of course,it wasn’t all bad. There was food for everyone, which was a minor blessing. My comforts came from seeing Auntie Jenny, having a great chat with Weilong, successfully convincing SongHui to be next year’s Prom chairperson, passing by Changi, and getting to know a few juniors with great potential in life.
Auntie Jenny was the closest to comfort there. Seeing her brought back a sense of familiarity, that i guess comes from working with her for Prom. In a way, it always felt like i could depend on her in any situation. In another way, she has become more like a friend than a mother. She will be back again to help with Prom, only because it’s us who’s doing it again. Sometimes i’m embarrassed by how she is sometimes sandwiched between us and the PTN, while other times i find myself amazed at the amount of stress she can handle.
The chat i had with Weilong that night was the longest we’ve had in all the years that i’ve known him combined. It all started with watching Hilary Swank in P.S I LOVE YOU. He can’t imagine her in anything else after watching BOYS DON’T CRY, a film that i’ve been wanting to watch but couldn’t get my hands on. (the R21 film is available in his sch lib?!?!) we talked largely about movies and music, Radiohead to Foo Fighters, Idol to youtube, Cook to Archie, Kung Pow/Sch of Rock to “How can Mariah Carey’s 18th number 1 hit be called ‘Touch My Body’?!”, Clint Eastwood movies to Spielberg movies. I like to summarise my movie plots in 3 lines max. He likes to go on and on about each plot detail that seemed significant in his eyes and narration. I dunno why he suddenly opened up, but it felt like a much belated chat. But there wasn’t a better time than this. I believe that it happened only then for a purpose, and i am glad that we’ve established a relationship that might be good for prom.
SongHui has the greatest potential to carry on the Alumni’s line. And while casually talking about Orientation, he mentioned that he would rather organise prom than Orientation, or something along tt line, which led to me casually asking him to understudy Weilong, and him casually agreeing. Something along that line. Afterward i told him of the seriousness of the matter and what is required of him, and yet he shows no signs of relegation. It was a huge relief not just for me, but for Kaiyan and Weilong as well for having someone willingly agreeing to take over the job next year. It made me hopeful of things once more.
Passing by Changi and a portion of the road that i used to travel while booking in to BMT relinquished my hidden memories of that period. I saw fathers who drive their child home, with an ungrateful look on the child’s face. I saw the smiles from booking out and the short-lived freedom. I saw the factories on the road that reminded me of many lonely book-in nights, with thoughts about what to do on my next book out. I miss army life in that instant. Not the heat of the jungle and the horrible things i endured, but the more tangible stuff like growing up and learning through suffering, team spirit and bonding, friendship and self discovery. Life was so much simpler then.
Youths have potential more than anything else. The promise of greatness lies in everyone, and i was glad to see it surface in some of them. I was glad to see initiative and the sensitivity to the situation. I got to know some new faces, and further my understanding of those of that i briefly encountered during prom. It wasn’t all a pretty sight, but i am glad that there are a few people whom i know i can trust, at least until proven otherwise. Seeing this batch made me hopeful of the future state of the alumni.
This chalet has been an eye-opener in some ways. I’ve decided that i will stick on with the prom committee instead of letting it manifest on its own, that i will not let it die. Of course i will give them ample space for learning and making mistakes, and i will try not to poke my nose into matters. I trust KY and WL not to disappoint, and most likely even surpassing my standards. But most of all i decided to stay only to know more of them personally.
I sacrificed my body to the utmost irritating insects, and got my precious Sandy Lam dvd scratched because it was left on the table. I realised that as much as i felt trapped, this is something that has to be done. Someone has to organise this in order for people to attend. Someone has to do it. And unfortunately i just happen to be the one in the best position to do this because i did prom last year. it is a chain reaction, but i realise that perhaps too much is at stake to let matters suffer a gradual death/rebirth. There is still hope yet in this, and i do believe that given proper time, management, and organisation, it will thrive. I felt like the foundation has been set for great things with this batch, and i hate to see it die because of bad organisation and nurturing. I need it to grow, to manifest. And most importantly they need a leader other than me.
No comments:
Post a Comment