this time

you asked me why Katy Perry always reminds me of you. i replied "it just does", which is not entirely honesty. you said "aww so sweet", and i said, "nothing to be sweet about".

the truth is, Teenage Dream was one of the last few songs you played. it was probably the 3rd time we met, where we shared a pair of earphones and was scrolling through the songs on the list. i cant remember what i picked, but u chose Teenage Dream. Katy's album was just released then, and it was a hit. at that moment, that uplifting spirit of the song, its meaning of possibilities, became synonamous with you.

it was also the last time we met, before you disappeared for a long time in my life.

And then you came back. i was caught surprised, and at the same time wary. who wouldnt be. i remember telling H that this is a testof temptation, and I passed. Katy remained a huge part of our times together. hey, you cant club without Katy right?

i was allright for a while, but something stirred in me when i met you a few days ago. we just chilled out to music and tea. many a times we werent even talking. and then we took a walk around the harbour. the silence was not awkward, im used to it with you. we talked, mostly about work, and walked. i was wearing a white hoodie and you wore a black one. at that moment i thought, how cute and funny.

it was all normal for me, until that final embrace in the lift. i've always liked your hugs - they are tight, warm, and comforting. it lingered longer than i expected - perhaps that's when everything started to feel weird. i exited the lift without looking back, and as i walk back to my room i imagined that he would be behind me, asking me to wait up.

the next morning i also imagined that he would call me for breakfast before i leave. None of what i imagined happened.

the effect of that lingering embrace lasted till i was back in Singapore, and the elation i felt when u texted me when u're back was indescribable. i scrolled through the messages we exchanged, and laughed at the same jokes i've said. im surprised at the amount of wit i had back then, and with you.

of course, the head rarely agrees with the heart. all these while i've been going through my head, telling myself how nothing of this will ever work out - you were always attached, i wasnt sure if u liked me enough, and most importantly, i was certain that i will not be able to sustain your interest and eventually, it will end with a bad breakup. it's better we remain friends now. this way, we'll last longer.

in the days past the emotions subsided. but it never really goes away. i've never felt so strongly about you before, and it terrifies me, because this time, the head and the heart never did agree with each other.



i realise this is the most honest i have been here. oh well. perhaps some honesty will serve me well in getting it off my chest.

"One thing that Adele says she isnt anxious about is her weight. It's fluctuated throughout her life, but she says she doesnt diet or work out. "My life is full of drama, and I don't have time to worry about something as petty as what I look like," she says. "I don't like going to the gym. I like eating fine food and drinking nice wine. Evem if I had a really good figure, I dont think i'd get my ...tits and ass out for no one. I love seeing Lady Gaga's boobs and bum. I love seeing Katy Perry's boobs and bums. Love it, But that's not what my music is about. I dont make music for eyes, I make music for ears."
- Adele, Rolling Stone #1129

We might not have her gifts, but I guess the message here is to be who you are, not someone people want you to become. have a great year ahead everyone.







""I think happiness includes a lot of emotions," he says. "It's darkness and sadness, as well as moments of elation. So if you think happiness means feeling just one way, then no. But if it's feeling at peace with whatever's going on, feeling like you can cope - then I'm getting there." - Robin Pecknold of Fleet Foxes, Rolling Stone #1129

再拥抱一下，可以吗？

作曲：阿信 作词：阿信 编曲：五月天
　
脱下长日的假面 奔向梦幻的疆界
南瓜马车的午夜 换上童话的玻璃鞋
让我享受这感觉 我是孤傲的蔷薇
让我品尝这滋味 纷乱世界的不了解
昨天太近 明天太远 默默聆听那黑夜
晚风吻尽 荷花叶 任我醉倒在池边
等你清楚看见我的美 月光晒干眼泪
那一个人 爱我
将我的手 紧握
抱紧我 吻我 喔 爱 别走
隐藏自己的疲倦 表达自己的狼狈
放纵自己的狂野 找寻自己的明天
向你要求的誓言 就算是你的谎言
我需要爱的慰借 就算那爱已如潮水



我从来都没有疯迷过五月天，但却对这首歌不忘，看过《盛夏光年》后从此对这首歌有着深厚的感觉。
“脱下长日的假面 奔向梦幻的疆界”， 好像是为天下所有寂寞的人而唱。
何必等对方看见自己的美呢？这不是很堕落，很卑微吗？

但是“情不至禁”，就是这样。喜欢一个人，也是这样。
求你，又有何用？
不如自己在一旁狼狈算了。

in between

i have not written, or visited this blog in months. everytime i return to this little corner, i'm always surprised at what i have written or quoted, and how i was so much more mature back then. maybe it's to do with the moments that i'm writing - mostly weak and vulnerable ones.

in between, i've fallen in and out of love; learnt more about myself; felt bliss; almost could see forever.

in between, i've also lost sight of myself.

i'm in repair. it's longer than what i've expected. i wamt to say i'm grieving, but i know there's greater pain out there, and mine is incomparable.

i miss you. if only you knew.

Life

孫燕姿《世說心語》

"Till you have battled with great grief and fears,
And borne the conflict of dream-shattering years,
Wounded with fierce desire and worn with strife,
Children, you have not lived: for this is life."
- Sarojini Naidu, "Life"

A Different View

i remember a visit to the old folk's home many years ago, when i was 14 or younger, with the Student Council / Prefectorial Board. i cant remember if it was St Luke's, or another nursing home, but i will never forget what i did there. i recall that awkward feeling of helplessness, uncomfortable and embarrassed, not knowing what to do or say, or who to speak to. how ironic that as a leader, i spent the entire time there following what other people did. most of the time i was helping the old folks fold tissue paper. it was like the most popular thing to do then, everyone was doing it, and so i joined in. looking back, i feel kinda guilty. it was as if we were trying to compete with them to finish the work, even though the intention was to help.

it was with the same trepidition and dread that i went to work today. i was not looking forward to something i was unfamiliar with and had a bad experience. i was indignant that they did not tell us more comprehensively what to say and how to behave, what not to say and do. it was a case of fearing the unknown. i had a bad feeling that the day was going to be sucky just like many years ago. then i remembered something from the book i am reading, something abt correcting your thinking and being open minded, and so i told myself to give it another chance, it might not be tat bad.

it turned out pretty well. the elders at Jamiyah shelter home were mostly friendly and able to take care of themselves, and our programme was sufficient to keep us occupied. i reminded myself that talking to them is no different from any passengers i will serve in the future, and if i was not mentally prepared to talk to these strangers, i might never learn.

so i smiled, alot. it is my strongest suit. and i realised that this time, i actually enjoyed myself. i spoke to a few old folks and lucky enough, they were very chatty and shared alot with me. some complained about their friends, some told me what they were doing before this. 2 of my classmates actually cried during the interaction. we did an impromptu indian dance for them, and some were even enthusiastic enough to join us on stage. the interaction was short, and we went on a tour and some wheelchair lessons afterwards.

obviously, growing up has taught me to react to such situations. there was some slight discomfort, but i had to rise above, and prove to myself that i can do it. i had to lead by example. i chatted with them like a newly-made friend, banter with those who can take jokes, and try to make conversations and be interested. it isnt that hard at all. they might seem intimidating initially, but after a while, some of them warmed up to us. and with a heavy heart, i tried to emphatise with what they're going through. it reinforces the fact that many of us are lucky the way we are, yet we do not have the eyes to see it. and with the years added, and the fact that one day i might be one of them in need, there was a great amount of empathy. it was an eye-opener and a reminder of the realities of the world, and it further spurred me to give of what i have while i still can. i'll never want to be dependent like this; i'm too proud. living till a ripe old age is strangely not an attractive option for me.

im glad im in a job/company that not only has many possibilities and prospects, but some nobility and meaning.

Invictus

Nelson Mandela: What is your philosophy on leadership? How do you inspire your team to do their best?
Francois Pienaar: By example. I've always thought to lead by example, Sir.
Mandela: Well that is right. That is exactly right. But how to get them to be better than they think they can be? That is very difficult I find. Inspiration, perhaps. How do we inspire ourselves to greatness, when nothing less will do? How do we inspire everyone around us? I sometimes think it is by using the work of others... A Victorian poem. Just words, but they helped me to stand when all I wanted to do was lie down.


INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

my first near-death experience

i went on a swim yesterday, sunday, lacking the better knowledge that sunday pools are filled with kids, families, and crowds. so i went to the adult pool, and the corner lanes are filled with kids. without thinking too much, i swam in the middle lane. on the 2nd lap back, halfway round, it suddenly hit me that i was swimmin in the middle. the fear of drowning hit me. i tried to stay calm, but i was too nervous. i started to gasp for air and panic. i almost wanted to scream for help. during my moments underwater, in between breathes, i told myself to stay calm, stay calm. and luckily beside me was a lane-divider, which is basically a rope tied with buoys. i grabbed onto it and caught my breathe for a while, before slowly making my way back closer to the edge. it was a scary experience. really scary.
ad then the lifeguard was waiting for me at the end of the lap. i showed him a thumbs-up, and walked embarassingly to him. he told me to swim at the corner lanes if i am not a confident swimmer. for the rest of the time i got a lil paranoid that he might be talkin to the other lifeguards abt my shame. oh well.

i was truely afraid. i think after my fear of sucking in life, the fear of drowning is probably the most intense. i began to think what's gonna happen if i'm stuck in a plane crash next time. thank goodness for life vests. i think i'll be forever scarred now. my fear of water has now become my fear of drowning.

HONG KONG EXPEDITION DAY 1

it's been 2 year since i last sat in an airplane to travel far and beyond singapore waters. i was in good spirits, mostly because this trip feels like it's gonna be awesome - 2 concerts that i really wana go, meetup with friends, eating my favourite dimsum, buying canto cds, and immersing in a culture and language that i've enjoyed throughout my life. when one is in the mood, nothin much can bring them down. not the noisy indon couple beside me on the plane, who took most of my arm rest , drank too much red wine, and was watching Beyonce's concert on the inflight entertainment after seeing that i was tuned to it. i was puzzled why he didnt wana tune in with the headphones; he was watching B silently. it was when he later channel-surfed to Black Swan, also without audio, to a pirouetting Natalie Portman, that i suspected he's just lookin at girls. i was more humoured than disgusted. guess that's what happy hormones can do for you.

i was thinking at my previous travel experience to thr States wit Marc, and wondering why i didnt feel immensely happy the way i should be. i reasoned that we didnt have that much emotional honesty and history to begin with. marc is never one of many words, yet when he speaks i'm always taken aback by his smart intellect and unwitting humour. my cousin and i were never really close - we had fun growing up, but his world views and thoughts are different from mine. he sees no value in the arts; he's more interested in finance than less "practical" matters. somehow, i wish we cld do it all over again. i regretted relying too much on guide books and not the internet, and for making foolish decisions like wearing shorts and thongs (aussie slang for slippers) on the streets, and carrying a backpack instead of a suitcase.

i wished i had the wisdom now back then, and do it all over again. i also miss travelling in a big group, and not having to be the decision maker, but just tag along, and then go on and do my stuff whenever i like it, no obligations and no baggage.

sitting here in aiwei's living room (it's my makeshift bedroom, and it's so cosy i wish it was my actual bedroom), i felt peace. the world is quiet, the weather is just right, and the only sound i hear are my breathing , the fridge's soft drone, and my typing. this perfect little quaint house is just nice - all that one needs is here and around. on top of fulfilling the long-fantasised dream of seeing Faye in hongkong, i endeavoured this trip to be a rejuvenation, a nice getaway, and a tiny discovery and exploration of the self. i envisioned peace, but now tht everyone is fast asleep and all is quiet, this is the perfect piece of harmony that i did not expect.

i love the silence.

王菲 - 幽兰操

兰之猗猗 扬扬其香
Alone stands the orchid, aroma shimmering around;

众香拱之 幽幽其芳
Rejoiced by all else, above and beyond;

不采而佩 于兰何伤？
Of sorrow shall it be, unnoticed all along?

以日以年 我行四方
Days and years, wondering around like a vagabond,

文王梦熊 渭水泱泱
Wisdom the Old King seeks, hence wise and strong

采而佩之 奕奕清芳
May the Lord see mine as the one

雪霜茂茂 蕾蕾于冬
Blossom my wisdom for my lord, like the orchid under the cold,

君子之守 子孙之昌
Long last my lawful words, till generation of prosperity unfold.


When i first heard this song, i was rather disappointed at how low-brow it is. without much further listen, i find myself humming to it often and strange enough. Now it's something that i cannot stop listening. the way the accompaniment so subtly and beautifully ebbs and flows with Faye's voice. listen to the first line clearly, and what might seem like a slur on first listen, turns out to be subtle and perfect diction. therein lies the exquisiteness and timeless quality of Faye, where she leds u to believe she missed one word in "猗猗". Art indeed.

* the english translations above were taken from a youtube viewer.

American Idol s10 is ON!

"16-year-old Robbie Rosen took his time with his breathy version of "Yesterday," inspiring Randy to expand his vocabulary ("marinated") and J. Lo to limit her own while waiving the entire voting process ("No. Hollywood. Bye.") Hip synovitis kept Robbie wheelchair-bound at a young age, but now he's fine. I loved how he didn't feel the need to mention his tragic past in front of the judges, then quickly remembered that of course, the judges always have their cheat sheets so they already knew. I always wondered how people's different sob stories are designated on the cheat sheets. I mean, I'm sure the cheat sheet is probably in English and includes words like "kindergarten" and "wheelchair," but I like to imagine that they use pictures instead, for ultimate ease and efficiency. So it's just generic clip art of a wheelchair (physical affliction), coffin (loved one lost), map of the U.S. with an X over it (foreigner), smiley face (slow learner), rainbow bashfully scooting under a cloud (stealth gay), or tiny campfire (convicted arsonist). Maybe these were Paula's cheat sheets. I'm kidding/I love Paula." - EW's Annie Barrett, on the recap of the premiere of American Idol s10.


HILARIOUS!

[王菲2010巡唱]上海演唱會20101126 - 你在我心中

少见又难得。

彼岸花

绝美。

你快乐所以我快乐

懒洋洋的星期天下午，我想起了这首歌。
我不常看王菲的MV，总是听她的歌，看她的现场录影比较多。
十年后重返回味，有了不一样的感觉，和更深一成的欣赏。

现实生活又何况不是如此。有些时候看起来不起眼，不会欣赏的人事与物，不必那么早排斥。
给多一点时间，多一点机会，有时候最不起眼的，在抽离与分隔后，说不定会有一番风味、新鲜。

现代人习惯用了就丢。因为以为“时间就是金钱”，所以守候与耐性都变成了奢侈。

她是我无与伦比的美丽。迫不及待三月奔快的到来，好让我能圆梦。
这一次菲一般的出发，必定会得到启发。

Robert Altman

i was reading Roger Ebert's reviews on some Meryl Streep movies, and it led me to a tribute article on Robert Altman's unintended final movie, A Prairie Home Companion, before he passed away.

I've heard so much about him, yet I've never seen his movies, not even when i have the Gosford Park vcd lying in my cabinet. A Prairie Home Companion was my first contact with what everyone calls "the actor's director", an auteur with a profound passion for the art.

Here's an excerpt from Roger Ebert's article, that not only captured Ebert's admiration for Altman's passion in films, but was also lovingly written, and bittersweet.

"Did Altman know this would be his last film? Certainly not. But he knew his time was limited. "Where the years have gone, I don't know," he told me backstage that day at the Lyric. "But they're gone. I used to look for a decade . Now I look for a couple more years." He got them. "When I'm not making a film," he told me on the set of "Gosford Park" in 2001, "I don't know how to live. I don't know what to do with the time. I don't have an assistant director taking me to this little restaurant around the corner, and a production manager telling me about my hotel, and a driver to take me where I have to go."

He said he kept track of time not by the years but by the film he was making. Given an Honorary Oscar in March 2006, he astonished his audience by revealing he had been living 10 or 11 years with a heart transplant. He didn't mention that he also had leukemia, listed as his cause of death on Nov. 20 of the same year. At the time, he had two films in pre-production."

Walking Dead

I'm one of those - living, but not living.

一拍两散

Walking past the Xmas tree decor outside JP, and the hordes of people with their phones and cameras flashing, trying to capture an image of the falling 'snow' that is in fact disintegrating bubble, got me thinking about my attitude towards photography. I never really understood why so many people like to capture images with their phones/digital cameras; the choice of subject is often mundane and challenging (a towering tree that will not fit into the frame. a darkly lit background), and their devices will never really be able to do reality justice. it is a misrepresentation.

The more amazing pictures i see, the more i want to pick up photography skills/ techniques and the less i want to shoot with a normal camera. Perhaps it's my inadequacy with the already complex functions of the digital camera, but the digital camera will never be able to take the kind of pictures a DSLR can, and if u cant shoot a justified shot, or a stunning, if not more impressive shot that offers an alternative way of seeing the subject (which all great pictures have), then there is no point in shooting it. i find the experience underwhelming.

this is not a case of photography snobbery, if ever there is such a notion. Call it practicism, if you may.

of course i do take pictures with a normal camera. there is no doubt in it's practicality and essential utility in capturing moments. i snap many random items - a table, food, streets or alleys - that i hope will merge to form a realised memory of that moment in time. they might not even have any humans in them, but they trigger memories. in such occasion, the most mundane makes sense. but the difference is that i do it selectively, and not bring it out to point at the first thing i see. i give it some thought and feeling.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, the next time u take a picture, don't just do it because it is the cutest thing, or because everyone else is doing it. if there aint a reason, if u're not a tourist, if you're not a foreign worker, then maybe you don't have to be so amazed and obliged to snap a shot with your latest hipstamatic application. and if u're going to post it on twitter, pls make sure it is something people would care about. the world is cheap enough already.

standing there video-ing the fake snow, i wonder if it gives u any form of pleasure, especially when JP's xmas tree, with it's moving musical figurines and fake snow, contains more plastic than the Exxon Mobile factory and looks like child's play. This phenomenon should rank high in Jason Hahn's latest 8 Days article about Singapore's "Mysteries of Life", together with #22 - why do so many people not flush the public toilets?



In other photographic stories, please support my junior Hoong Wei Long.

In my opinion, this dude is highly underrated, and takes some of the most amazing shots i've seen. Bin and WL are the 2 people whose pictures almost always have me mad-loving them. do take some time to read the following msg from him (nope i did the pimping on my own accord, without his request), and show some support this Xmas. Share your love with the less fortunate by buying a picture. i have. All proceeds go strictly to the Make A Wish Foundation.

and since i'm at it, screw those people who committed fraud in charity.

(Facebook URL at the bottom)



PRINTS FOR CHARITY

Hiho,

Thank you taking time to look at this album :) As the title suggests, I am selling prints of images I've shot at Baybeats 2009 for charity this X'mas.

These pieces were used for exhibitions during both the post Baybeats 2009 'Budding Photographer' exhibition at *Scape and this year's Noise Singapore exhibition.

Due to the handling processes during the exhibits, some of the pieces have their edges nicked but they're by and large in good condition. That said, these aren't meant to be archival, collector's items (it would be crazy to suggest so). They're really purely for decorative purposes.

For me, getting to shoot Baybeats 2009 under the 'Budding Photographer' programme was a big milestone. Perhaps the fact that I had tried 2 years before that, and finally getting it on the third try made it all the more memorable.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, it was in ways a dream come true for me. Finally being able to experience what is was like to be in the photo pit during a rock show...the rush...the excitement...I think every music photographer can attest to that.

So I thought I would pay it back and come full circle with this. All sales will go directly towards a donation made to the Make-A-Wish Singapore Foundation. I'm not keeping a single cent from this.

If you're interested in buying the piece, just drop me a message and I'll get in touch with you as soon as I can. Do note that sales will be conducted on a first come basis. Delivery of the item will be done via a meetup (preferably in the West or Central). It's cash on delivery but no obligations should you be unhappy with the physical conditions of the piece before payment is made :)

If you're kinda tight this X'mas or know someone else who might be interested in the sale, do forward, tweet, or send a smoke signal to your friends and spread the word. This sale will run till 31 Dec 2010.

Cheers,
Wei Long

______________________________________________________________________

Hoong Wei Long is an aspiring music photographer. Since 2007, his love of capturing the art of performance has pushed him to document a multitude of gigs. Of which includes the likes of The Observatory (SG), Delphic (UK), Nine Inch Nails (US) and Shai Hulud (US). In 2009, Hoong was privileged to be selected as a budding photographer for Baybeats and enjoyed his first photo exhibition that year.

Hoong continues to work towards his dream of being a top music photographer and has recently provided coverage for Guttermouth (US) LIVE in Singapore and I Am David Sparkle (SG)'s 'Swords Are Drawn' album launch.

-----------------

To see his selected works, visit:
www.flickr.com/photos/hwlportfolio

To find out more about Make-A-Wish Singapore, visit:
www.makeawish.org.sg


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150099370091756&set=a.10150099369501756.305040.672756755&pid=7427374&id=672756755#!/album.php?aid=305040&id=672756755

无题

I felt very vexed and restless today. It's an imminent feeling, like something is not going as it should be, and that nagging sense that you're not where you're supposed to be. It felt like being stuck in a moment that doesnt belong to you, and you're just an obsolete entity, watching. And the worse thing is, you can't pinpoint where the problem lies.

Without that, any solution would seem preposterous.

Amidst the din, I realised something: I've been surviving. And if past experiences were any indication, I will endure and succeed. it's just a matter of time. I might get by, but i'll emerge victorious in the end. i've made it through O Levels to get into a JC, i've endured physical challenges during my army days. It's just that it's taking a longer time now. and with it, comes the reminder that one shall never be complacent.

You might have the upper stance now, but the tables will turn. So all the showing off that you're doing right now, i'll make sure i learn from you, and be more humble in the future.

All my life, i've been acting cool. i've tried to be the coolest kid in school, listen to the most obscure music, and walk and talk aloof. Unless you talk to me, you will never know me. Even if you did, you can never entirely predict me. I try to attend the hippest concerts and make the best out of my wardrobe. That is not to say i do not enjoy the process - i love all the music and films and everything else that i've been exposed to. However, i feel like i'm a hybrid, stuck in the middle. and i realise it's time i do me. the real me. without false pretense. and if the world doesnt like it, they can kiss my poo-at like Leticia Bongnino.

after giving it some initial thought, 2011 will be the year i follow my dreams and myself.

WOE WOE WOE!

i feel like this: A TERRIBLE MESS.

2 hours of trying to upload to SINA.COM makes me feel like a slut. ROARSSSSS!!!






and this is the ultimate dirty song.

On Hindsight

"As we grow older, life's dangers grow more imminent. We're no longer sheltered by our parents, protected by cots and playgrounds, fed by home-cooked healthy food, fetched by maids and chauffeured by parents. We're no longer in school, where life revolves around the afternoon nap, followed by homework and meals and tv, where the people we know are the characters that were either heroes or villains. It's a safe routine where little can go wrong, except maybe not doing your homework, or mixing with bad company.
We now see life in the face. We confront dangers, right on, sometimes without us knowing, helplessly, some fearlessly. Death comes in many forms, accidents with many identities. We get our hearts broken, we fix it back up, only for it to get trampled again. We face the realities of the race, the mundane and the routines, the backlash of the mistakes, the responsibilities. We face life, head on and without life buoy.

Face it - strongly, and with dignity."


I wrote this about 2 years back. For once I'm kinda slightly impressed by my own writing. I think I'm coming into my own, getting used to my style and trying to improve upon it, and being more confident in the meantime. That's good, I guess.