While rationalising a friend's departure, it dawned upon me that it has reached a point where i need to choose between friends and commitments. and while i have no doubt that these 'commitments' come first this time, a deep pang of melancholy nonetheless struck me while i was apologizing at the thought of having to ever pick a side. i wanted to cry. it's not supposed to happen this way.
i was even reluctant to mention the word 'work', for it risks undermining the sanctity of these 'commitments', that now feels like responsibilities. but for convenience and not wanting others to risk feeling i'm overrating, it sometimes become 'work', simply.
these few days i hate opening my email. the floods of emails frustrate me with the amount of follow-ups i need to do. for the first time, i hated the excessive of emails that requires my dire attention, and contemplated deleting these 500+ mails.
my mum has been taking up dancing lessons, and i learnt this thru my sister. perhaps i have been too caught up in my own world. even without prom, i doubt i will get the latest updates in the house as well. my relationship with my parents, after learning the hard way, has become one of nonchalence and non-communication. naggings enter and exit, as silence is often the best way to handle whatever's being hurled at you: lies, inaccuracies, accusations, 'advices', etc. its 2 different world, and a house is not a home.
during the exams, i procrastinated and was distracted. i was unable to focus this semester, and ran away from books as much as i could. after the exams, i pushed myself to do more, more than what i did for this exam. days of full devotion to long meetings and mad rushes that drain me at the end of the day, resulting in nothing but frustration and agony.
if it is making me so unhappy, what's the worth in doing it?
though i might seem to have the answer, the fact is i do not. at least not whole heartedly. why do i have to cover up for other people's responsibilities? why cant others be more understanding?
and i feel like i am not given enough respect by these people i'm supposed to lead. this doubt has been troubling me for a while now, and this self-doubt hinders my progress. at times, it felt like what i've built to this day has been in vain. it makes me ponder my way of approach that warrants such levels of 'respect'. with that, i'm half convinced that when it comes to jj prom, i've failed in inspiring them to do better and beyond their capabilities. i've failed to motivate them, or guide them in the right direction. for both proms, it dawned on me that i have been a dictator. i have been a tyrant that speaks softly, and nothing is worse than a tyrant tt is unsure of himself.
an hour ago, i've entertained the thought of taking half a year off school. but the thought of wasting 6 months scares me. i have much i want to do with these 6 mths. if it pulls thru, this 6 mths will be carefully planned and no time is allowed to be wasted.
given all the self-inflicted drama surrounding me, i need to know that this will only strengthen me.
the first year was about finding my ground, creating a smooth event that would be enjoyed by my juniors.
the second year was a year of breakthrough and self discovery. i've gone the extra mile, and realised how it felt to pursue what i've set out to complete. although i've not accomplished all that i set out to do, i've pushed beyond borders and tested myself.
this year, i was able to take a step back and take a more objective look. with that comes the chance to see a bigger picture and make changes of a higher order. and being involved in jj prom tested my limits to go beyond in terms of scale and manpower.
time, as usual is never on my side.
the drifting is also killing me.
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