the longest friday

amidst the continuous commercials, of Rihanna, national geographic's global warming channel, cars, etc, i find solace in this messy mac at pioneer mall. the quiet of the night makes the surroundings more evident to the senses, and while observing others, i have time to observe myself.

the lights are brighter here, and the air cooler. back home, dad is probably operating on another one of his watches on the dining table, magnifying glass and cigarette on hand. room is too dark, too humid, and too messy for studying. it could onli induce frustration, which will be inevitably followed by sleep.

the last succession of nights spent here was when my internet connection at home sucked, and i took my sis' laptop out to play for a week or two. this period of study nights saw some familiar faces: fellow nocturnal students tryin to cram in work, familiar mac staff and regular customers, and this aunty who is here most of the nights. she looks bigger than i last saw her. she reads late into the night, sometimes falling asleep, almost always knitting. i ponder her reason for coming here, and wonder if she finds the same kind of peace of night that i find.


it's always this time of the year that i ponder most about existance. i've always known, but i am reminded again, that life's a standstill without challenges. life doesnt push me to become better than i am without troubles. life's a bitch, but it'll be a boring bitch without obstacles in the way. why does one have to learn about life through the hard way?

the exams always bring to mind how much one could have accomplished in the time of studying. it makes me ponder what i've been doing with my time when i wasnt muggin for the exams, and what i could have accomplished. if anything, it drives me to push harder for prom after this friday. if anything it creates a thirst for life after friday, to do anything and everything i could.

this sem has been a morale killer for me. the assignments were badly graded, the readings were a bigger killer than last sem (it could have been easier if i had put in more time), and i felt like i've not learnt much. i questioned my own ability, and the choices i've made. what if this was not what i'm meant to do all along? what if i actually suck at this?

of course, its nothing without harwork. i know about hardwork. the man who works hard for the money, that airs his sore feet on the train after a long day's work knows about hardwork. the construction worker under the sun knows about hardwork. the ah tiong serving me mac doing the late night shift and sucking in customer's annoyance knows about hardwork. so where does hardwork lead to? is it something that u need to know when u're young so that u can reap the rewards later in life? is it independent of luck, faith, or even karma?

i dont think so.

i believe hard work sometimes become a front u put up just so the world will judge u less cruel. some hardworking people don't do it for themselves even, they do it for others, for bigger-than-self reasons or not.

we all know better than to judge people based on their appearances. but no one actually does tt and put personal judgement aside.

i need an intervention. i will plan my intervention. after this friday.