One would have assumed, that after 3 years of leading the CSS committee, and 1 year at JJ, I should be eating at the palm of my hands. The odd thing is that my confidence is inversely proportionate with the level of experience I have; a paradox that I myself find hard to believe. I feel like these few years could have been milestones. Somehow the way things are going on make me doubt myself sometimes; that I might have been doing all these in vain, due to bad leadership, poor human management, terrible life coaching. It is in times like this that I want to give up the most.
Every year during this time, I would whine about the trudges and missteps I've faced along the way. This year, I give myself credit for only writing this one entry of grievances. I feel like I need to let this go, through writing, so that I may move forward. The continuous pendulum of spurs of encouragements and disappointment is endless.
"Let go". These 2 words make me guilty, even embarrassed somehow.
But I know that through all these, I have become a better person. And perhaps that's all that matters.
2010 is already shaping up to be an eventful year. I have 2 writing assignments, an event in March, tons of gigs, and endless possibilities. i should be glad.
Instead, I seldom am.
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